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Having a purpose 

For the past four weeks I have been happy, I have felt needed but most of all I feel like I have a purpose in life once more.

Gone are the days I lay in bed, day after day, wishing for the day to be over and now on its place I have a sense of hope and self worth, I have a job.

I have a wonderful ‘little’ job, I have a job that isn’t like working at all and each day I wake up in this ‘new town’ making a life for MY self and making MY mark here, not just Jim’s other half but me, Vera making other people’s lives happier as well as my own.

I have a job as an activities coordinator in a care home and I have had lots of jobs over the years but never one so quite rewarding as this one, I’ve done care work before and I always felt settled in that role (for various reason I can’t do it now, it’s too emotional for me) but this job, I get to ‘play’ most of the day and I love it, I get to organise too which is something I relish in. I work along side another lady and between us we are a bit scatty but together we work well!!

I love seeing the elderly peoples faces when a singer comes in and sings just to them, I love being able to just sit and talk about the old days but you know what I love the most? Seeing someone in the supermarket that I know that Jim doesn’t! It’s a weird feeling!

I get to talk to grown ups every day, people that don’t know me and my messed up life before moving here and it’s nice to be just Vera, just me with nothing attached apart from a clean slate.

Finally for the first time in over two years I feel like I’m needed again, I don’t mind having to stay on for an hour extra or having to work my day off, I don’t mind doing any of those things because I finally have a smile on my face, one I achieved all of my own.

I come home each day, Normally via the supermarket and get myself a pastry, put the kettle on and put my key in the door to our room, it’s just a room but it’s my home, our home and it feels great to finally feel like somewhere is properly home and that for the first time in I don’t know when I can help towards bills and food.

It’s an amazing feeling.

Much love V x

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Accepting who I Am

Body image is such a big topic at the moment and even at my age (37) it’s still a huge part of my life.

Jim said the other night what he likes about himself, his legs and his bum and I can’t disagree with him, his bottom is lovely and his eyes..well there isn’t actually anything I don’t like about him (maybe his stubble when for some reason in his sleep he has the ability to take off half my arm when he forgets my arm is there and buries his head like a dog!) he asked me what do I like about myself and that is a question I ask myself most days the answer is nothing.

I don’t like anything about myself: when I look at myself I see one eye socket bigger than the other, I see a wonky smile with my teeth the way they are, I see a huge bump in my nose, my boobs one is significantly bigger than the other, my arse is far too big (not talking Kim K here!) my thighs and legs are like footballers legs (my dad once said this and I can never forget it) my lips aren’t pouty enough, my eyelashes are long enough, my hair looks awful and my belly is like a bowl full of jelly, my feet are like romans with the toes (I don’t have pretty feet) and everything else that I haven’t mentioned I don’t like either. And personality wise? I am the biggest grump going, I find it hard to relax and get jokes, I don’t find ‘people’ particularly easy to get on with (really have to know them first) and the most important one is I don’t ‘love’ myself (not in a big headed way).

I am a massive geek and I saw this the other night a quote from Tyrion Lannister from game of thrones,’ once you’ve accepted your flaws no one can use them against you’. I am at an age now where no one takes the piss out of me but I can’t take the piss out of myself either, I am not one of these fat girls that could say ‘I can lose weight but you can’t change your face’, I just don’t have it in me.

When I put make up on it looks awful, I can do my eyes but foundation and everything else just looks horrendous, I see women my age with perfect make up but I look at mine and think ‘where do I go wrong’ so now I choose not to wear it (for years I stayed away from it after my aunt said to me about not blending it in with my neck and it stayed with me and I was about 13 at the time and I always have this in the back of my mind).

I have an obsession with the 50’s (one of my friends once said I was born in the wrong era) and I look at the pretty dresses, the hair and I think one day I want to be just like that but years later I am still waiting for that day and I am positive that if I could be the person I am on the inside, wearing he hair, the dress the shoes and people around me that ‘get me’ I would probably learn to love me, myself and I.

Why don’t I change myself?  As always with me it comes down to money, if we have some spare money I will never spend it on myself, I could have quite easily recently but decided to give our kids a good day out instead, so for now the inner 50’s girl is remaining inside and probably will do forever, one day I hope to be able to reply differently to Jim when he asked what I love about myself but at the moment I can’t see it happening any time soon.

I want to embrace the different size eye socket but I can’t, I just see one smaller that the other, I want to love my nose but I can’t, I want to love myself but I don’t know how too, Jim tries everyday and says ‘I can’t believe I got someone so beautiful’ but I look away wondering what he sees, when I look at him my heart melts, he is everything I wanted and more (even the stubble) but he has learnt to accept it when I say how good looking he is and I wish I could do the same, I wish I could say thank you and not cringe inside and think but I’ve got a bumpy nose, my teeth aren’t straight how could he possible find me beautiful, they say it’s in the eye of the beholder don’t they? I look at some women and I see their beauty and understand why people find them attractive but I look at me and think ‘no not today’ and look away from the mirror.

Maybe I need to take steps and try and see my ‘beauty’ even now I don’t even want to think about even being remotely attractive, maybe it stems from my teenage years and unable to get a boyfriend, my dress sense and not being accepted by the ‘beautiful people’ I look at pictures of them as they are now and I think ‘yes you still are’ yet I look at me and think back to the terrible haircuts I had and the unfashionable clothes I wore, maybe I’m still living deep in a past that I need to step out of? Maybe I need to start looking at the mature me, the one who can (well sort of) afford some kind of clothing and chose by myself and not my mother (I once got invited to the most popular girl at schools birthday party and I had a mint green trouser and jumper combo on, not really screaming ‘it crowd’)

The bare facts are this: I am grossly overweight, the clothes I buy reflect this, I don’t wear tents but I don’t really experiment with clothes (like I’ve mentioned I can’t afford the ones I like) so I buy the ones I can afford, a cheap pair of jeggings, a cheap top or clothes given to me (heck I only own two bras and both of them are over two years old), my face reflects my weight and while I don’t think my face, legs or hands are big they must be as I am so overweight. One of my worries is if I lose weight will my face become older? Will my one big one small boobs become smaller? While my waist becomes smaller will everything else become better looking?

I want to love myself, I want to enjoy myself and I want to when Jim says ‘your beautiful’ to be able to say ‘thank you’ and not look away.

Well I’m off now to go and try and find at least one bit of be that I can say ‘yeah I like that’ when I’ve found it, I shall let you know (if).

Much love v x