I posted last week about my love for Jim but I wasn’t truthfully honest, I love him more than the world is round, all the coffee in Brazil, all the tea in china (and three flowers) but I have this thing where at least once, twice a week I try pushing (shoving sometimes) him away, I don’t mean physically, I mean mentally.
I am one of these women that will think up stupid scenarios in my head and I will think it’s fact or he has to say one thing and I will go right off in one about it and try and create an argument, none of which is his fault, deep down I am trying to push him away because I’m scared of him coming home one day saying ‘we need to talk’ and that will be the end of the puzzle, so I am quite happy to try and ruin what we have because try as I might, I am 99% certain this will happen one day, which is just ridiculous as Jim isn’t that kind of person but then I didn’t think my ex husband would ever do this either but he did. I’m scared of getting to close, investing all myself into another relationship and being ‘too happy’ because my world could come crashing down at any moment and the most stupid part of all this? Jim isn’t going anywhere but if I carry on with this pursuit then he will grow tired off it, when in reality there isn’t anything wrong at present with our relationship.
Jim is what I would call ‘addicted’ to me, he worships the ground I walk on and we are like two peas in a pod and he brings out a side of me that I don’t show very often (if at all) a very loving side, he has taught me to try to love myself and others, he has taught me it’s ok not to be ok, he has taught me that instead of bottling up feelings to talk about them, he encourages me to better myself, be myself and never laughs at me with any idea I have or the way I look. He tells me every day I am beautiful and he loves me, he never leaves me without a kiss goodbye or walks through the door without a kiss hello, he is without doubt one of a kind and I know I have helped him too, he has become a better father because of me, I’ve taught him that it’s ok not to be ok (weird as he taught me that too!) I’ve encouraged him to just be himself and I’ve encouraged him, like he has me to better himself with work.
We compliment each other so much, we are solid, he is my salt to my vinager and I couldn’t imagine a life without him in it so why do I keep on trying to destroy it, he isn’t going anywhere for sure but in my marriage, the last year we were together I was the happiest I had ever been with our life and then it all came to an end, I guess I am still getting over the hurt and the pain and I never want to feel that again, I never want to get a text message saying ‘we need to talk’ and I never want to feel so content again for it to be ripped all away from me.
So how do I get over this? I have no idea, Jim can tell me until he is blue in the face he isn’t going anywhere but I’m not convinced I will ever truly believe it, I know when I started seeing him I was 100% ready for a relationship, myself and the ex had been split a year but it was a funny year to say the least, my ex husband was a little ‘controlling’ of my love life and my life in general after we split up, we were not together but yet he felt the need to try and control who I saw, how much time I spent away from him etc so I guess when Jim came along I was still in a ‘relationship’ of sorts with my ex husband, it wasn’t healthy at all, it wasn’t until I had been with Jim around the two month mark that I started to put my foot down, my ex husband had a rule that my kids couldn’t meet Jim for four months (apparently he didn’t want a succession of men to meet my kids, I would like to point out they only met one once and that was a two minute trip in the car and it was only two of them) granted my love life was ‘colourful’ before I met Jim and I was ‘expermenting’ (no not like that) with different elements of dating and my sexual self but this didn’t interfere with the kids lives because of my relationship with my ex husband at the early stages of mine and Jim’s new romance I found myself lying where I was going (it was happening well before that, I could never tell him the truth where I was going) because I don’t think deep down my ex (George) wanted me to date anyone, so when I got with Jim and I started saying no, George did find it hard to cope with (now our relationship is friendly and Jim and George get on well).
I can understand George’s behaviour because some of the stories I would tell him about some of the men I was talking too was plain weird and I guess he was worried for me what I might be letting myself in for, even if he didn’t love me anymore he was still looking out for me and didn’t want me in any danger, so I can understand on some parts the way he was with me and he was just worried about the kids with this man he didn’t know and wanted me to make sure it was the real thing before my kids met him (I’d like to point out that I didn’t have such guidelines for George and his new girlfriend last year, she met them within a month and was moved in within four months).
So I guess when I moved down here eight months ago, I had to go through the ‘break up’ again as up until the day I moved I saw George and the kids every day (unless I was with Jim for the weekend over here) and for a month I was living on George’s sofa until I moved out, so even though we had both moved on, I had been with Jim for 8 months and George with his new lady for three months and there was no hint of love or anything between us and the divorce had been started, the way we both conducted ourselves after the initial break up had a lasting effect on me, I wanted sometimes a clean break but our kids can first and I like to think they wasn’t effected to much by the breakup. But it has had a huge effect on me, it wasn’t until about two months before I met Jim that I actually felt ‘over’ George in terms of love, there was no love there anymore, it took me a good ten months to see things clearly from the moment we broke up to the moment I woke up one morning and thought ‘there is no point in loving him anymore, that has gone’, so that element of our relationship had gone but yet other parts of the relationship remained (yes that) and then when Jim came along I stopped that straight away and George found that very hard to cope with and he did treat me like a piece of shit over it for a little while and he couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to do it anymore as it was ‘just sex’ and didn’t mean anything (apparently I taught him that) but to me (after being unfaithful years ago and George is aware of it) being in a relationship, an actual relationship not a one night stand but a relationship with two people, sex means everything and by only those two people and it’s not a mistake I am ever going to make again.
So yes, no wonder my head is all over the place sometimes because of all the above, being the happiest I had been in my marriage in years the year we broke up, being told the marriage was in trouble, not breaking up the usual way and not being able to live a ‘normal single life’ will have a profound effect on anyone and going through everything I did before I moved here, I moved five times in a year and a half, seeing my ex every day and still doing the things I use too like washing etc before I left (only stopped doing it two months before I moved here) is going to have an impact on someone’s life, I think some could call it fucked up and Jim has been so understanding with my life the way it was before I moved and I couldn’t ask for a better man.
It’s only in the past 8 months since I lived here that I have felt I can live the way I want too and I feel ‘free’ and I can cook anything I want, all those little things are making me into a nicer person, a better person and most importantly more loving and I guess anyone going through what I did, it will take a while to get over but I just wish I could stop trying to push Jim away, as without him I may not have been here now, without him I wouldn’t be the person I am today and without him I wouldn’t have anyone to love anymore and I don’t want to throw that away.