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Manchester

On Monday night my world was shocked to the core, like millions of others, billions maybe, the day no concert or public event would ever be the same for anyone.

22 years ago this year I attended my first concert, take that in Hammersmith, I was only 13 years of age, I travelled with my friend and her parents and we went off, screamed our little heads off and at the end her parents were there to greet us (at least I think it was hers, it could have been mine) and take us home, this continued up until my late teens and then with family life I stopped going apart from the odd westlife concert, I say odd me and my sister went all over the uk one year to see them, the year they split and one of those venues was Manchester arena.

I cannot for the life of me recall what it looks like or how it was laid out, I can remember Liverpool, Cardiff, Birmingham, London, Newcastle (I went to see one direction almost two years ago with her), I can’t place anything at all, maybe I’ve blocked it out because of everything but what scares me the most is never in a million years did I ever think I’d go into an arena and never come out alive again but what scares me more than that is this, myself and my sister in our later concert going days we would never sit together (just Birmingham when we were front row and new kids on the block), all those concerts we attended and now thinking back of if it had of happened one of those nights my sister would have been all alone, scared and not knowing what to do. 

With every act of terroism I watch the news and of course I worry but this has left me shocked, it’s left me scared and it’s left me with these thoughts: because of what ‘they did’ no concert will ever be the same, no act playing will ever be the same, no member of staff will ever be the same and no person ever going to a concert will ever be quite the same. Over time, we shall forget what happened, pushed back to the back of our minds but for those 20000 odd people, their lives have been turned upside down, it’s not just the people that watched the show, it’s the staff, the medical teams, the police, the public, the arena staff, all those people that probably run well into 30000 maybe more, those little girls (and boys) who probably waited months, maybe years to attend their first concert will probably never want to go to another concert, maybe not for a very long time, maybe never, those people that work their may never want to work there again, those parents who waited outside for their kids to come out will never want to buy another concert ticket again and while maybe I shouldn’t focus on that, it’s not the main issue here, the loss of life and the injured are more important but I’m thinking long term and how it will shape our future, Westminster bridge for example, commuters will use that bridge as it might be their only way into work. Tourist will still come, the same as New York (to name a couple of these terrible events) but this is quite different, it’s not out in the open where running is an option, it’s in an enclosed space, you have to think about buying that ticket, walking over the bridge to get to work is different in a way, you have options on how to get there but this is a choice, this is something that we can either stick two fingers up to and say we will carry on or we can stop, even for a while to collect our thoughts, our prayers and our breath.

Take care v x

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Is it any wonder?

I posted last week about my love for Jim but I wasn’t truthfully honest, I love him more than the world is round, all the coffee in Brazil, all the tea in china (and three flowers) but I have this thing where at least once, twice a week I try pushing (shoving sometimes) him away, I don’t mean physically, I mean mentally.

I am one of these women that will think up stupid scenarios in my head and I will think it’s fact or he has to say one thing and I will go right off in one about it and try and create an argument, none of which is his fault, deep down I am trying to push him away because I’m scared of him coming home one day saying ‘we need to talk’ and that will be the end of the puzzle, so I am quite happy to try and ruin what we have because try as I might, I am 99% certain this will happen one day, which is just ridiculous as Jim isn’t that kind of person but then I didn’t think my ex husband would ever do this either but he did. I’m scared of getting to close, investing all myself into another relationship and being ‘too happy’ because my world could come crashing down at any moment and the most stupid part of all this? Jim isn’t going anywhere but if I carry on with this pursuit then he will grow tired off it, when in reality there isn’t anything wrong at present with our relationship.

Jim is what I would call ‘addicted’ to me, he worships the ground I walk on and we are like two peas in a pod and he brings out a side of me that I don’t show very often (if at all) a very loving side, he has taught me to try to love myself and others, he has taught me it’s ok not to be ok, he has taught me that instead of bottling up feelings to talk about them, he encourages me to better myself, be myself and never laughs at me with any idea I have or the way I look. He tells me every day I am beautiful and he loves me, he never leaves me without a kiss goodbye or walks through the door without a kiss hello, he is without doubt one of a kind and I know I have helped him too, he has become a better father because of me, I’ve taught him that it’s ok not to be ok (weird as he taught me that too!) I’ve encouraged him to just be himself and I’ve encouraged him, like he has me to better himself with work.

We compliment each other so much, we are solid, he is my salt to my vinager and I couldn’t imagine a life without him in it so why do I keep on trying to destroy it, he isn’t going anywhere for sure but in my marriage, the last year we were together I was the happiest I had ever been with our life and then it all came to an end, I guess I am still getting over the hurt and the pain and I never want to feel that again, I never want to get a text message saying ‘we need to talk’ and I never want to feel so content again for it to be ripped all away from me. 

So how do I get over this? I have no idea, Jim can tell me until he is blue in the face he isn’t going anywhere but I’m not convinced I will ever truly believe it, I know when I started seeing him I was 100% ready for a relationship, myself and the ex had been split a year but it was a funny year to say the least, my ex husband was a little ‘controlling’ of my love life and my life in general after we split up, we were not together but yet he felt the need to try and control who I saw, how much time I spent away from him etc so I guess when Jim came along I was still in a ‘relationship’ of sorts with my ex husband, it wasn’t healthy at all, it wasn’t until I had been with Jim around the two month mark that I started to put my foot down, my ex husband had a rule that my kids couldn’t meet Jim for four months (apparently he didn’t want a succession of men to meet my kids, I would like to point out they only met one once and that was a two minute trip in the car and it was only two of them) granted my love life was ‘colourful’ before I met Jim and I was ‘expermenting’ (no not like that) with different elements of dating and my sexual self but this didn’t interfere with the kids lives because of my relationship with my ex husband at the early stages of mine and Jim’s new romance I found myself lying where I was going (it was happening well before that, I could never tell him the truth where I was going) because I don’t think deep down my ex (George) wanted me to date anyone, so when I got with Jim and I started saying no, George did find it hard to cope with (now our relationship is friendly and Jim and George get on well).

I can understand George’s behaviour because some of the stories I would tell him about some of the men I was talking too was plain weird and I guess he was worried for me what I might be letting myself in for, even if he didn’t love me anymore he was still looking out for me and didn’t want me in any danger, so I can understand on some parts the way he was with me and he was just worried about the kids with this man he didn’t know and wanted me to make sure it was the real thing before my kids met him (I’d like to point out that I didn’t have such guidelines for George and his new girlfriend last year, she met them within a month and was moved in within four months).

So I guess when I moved down here eight months ago, I had to go through the ‘break up’ again as up until the day I moved I saw George and the kids every day (unless I was with Jim for the weekend over here) and for a month I was living on George’s sofa until I moved out, so even though we had both moved on, I had been with Jim for 8 months and George with his new lady for three months and there was no hint of love or anything between us and the divorce had been started, the way we both conducted ourselves after the initial break up had a lasting effect on me, I wanted sometimes a clean break but our kids can first and I like to think they wasn’t effected to much by the breakup. But it has had a huge effect on me, it wasn’t until about two months before I met Jim that I actually felt ‘over’ George in terms of love, there was no love there anymore, it took me a good ten months to see things clearly from the moment we broke up to the moment I woke up one morning and thought ‘there is no point in loving him anymore, that has gone’, so that element of our relationship had gone but yet other parts of the relationship remained (yes that) and then when Jim came along I stopped that straight away and George found that very hard to cope with and he did treat me like a piece of shit over it for a little while and he couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to do it anymore as it was ‘just sex’ and didn’t mean anything (apparently I taught him that) but to me (after being unfaithful years ago and George is aware of it) being in a relationship, an actual relationship not a one night stand but a relationship with two people, sex means everything and by only those two people and it’s not a mistake I am ever going to make again.

So yes, no wonder my head is all over the place sometimes because of all the above, being the happiest I had been in my marriage in years the year we broke up, being told the marriage was in trouble, not breaking up the usual way and not being able to live a ‘normal single life’ will have a profound effect on anyone and going through everything I did before I moved here, I moved five times in a year and a half, seeing my ex every day and still doing the things I use too like washing etc before I left (only stopped doing it two months before I moved here) is going to have an impact on someone’s life, I think some could call it fucked up and Jim has been so understanding with my life the way it was before I moved and I couldn’t ask for a better man.

It’s only in the past 8 months since I lived here that I have felt I can live the way I want too and I feel ‘free’ and I can cook anything I want, all those little things are making me into a nicer person, a better person and most importantly more loving and I guess anyone going through what I did, it will take a while to get over but I just wish I could stop trying to push Jim away, as without him I may not have been here now, without him I wouldn’t be the person I am today and without him I wouldn’t have anyone to love anymore and I don’t want to throw that away.

V x

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Do you ever?

Do you ever look at your other half and just feel all funny inside and say ‘that’s my man/girl?’ And wonder how an earth you got someone like them?

I do most days, I look at Jim (more so since the stress of having a house and being ‘as one’ again) and I see his smile and I do honestly say to myself, ‘he is so fucking gorgeous, how the fuck did I end up with someone like him?’ I look at him, warm feeling in my belly and my heart does a funny little skip and I honestly feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

When he looks at me, with his big brown eyes and that handsome smile I feel like a teenager again, when he wraps his arms round me when I attempt to fall sleep after him, many hours after he passed out and brings me closer to him, he isn’t actually awake but it’s instinct to just make me feel safe makes me smile and feel all warm inside, knowing his eyes are closed and he has been asleep for hours but when he does that I feel at peace and loved it’s a wonderful, sometimes magical feeling.

This man I didn’t know two years ago, loves me with all of his being, every inch of me (even the fat wobbly bits) worships me (that’s not me big headed btw!), I know I consume every thought of every moment of his day, it’s crazy to think that up until November 2015 we didn’t know each other and now I can’t imagine my life without him, this man has changed the way I feel about love, how I act with love and saved me in so many ways no one will ever truly know.

We always say we are like two puzzle pieces that were lost but found each other, for nearly all our lives we have been so close but never touched, I used to spend lots of time in Southend as a child and he used to spend every other weekend there with his dad, my ex husbands uncle lived in the next town over which is crazy to think that in all the towns all over this country, it was that one, I even came into Harlow once to see the uncle in hospital and to think I was in the same town that I now live over ten years ago is a weird feeling considering the distance, I have family that live in Southend and I found out recently I am actually more of an Essex girl that my own fiancĂ© (my nan was born in Romford. Both sets of his grandparents were born either in south London or up north), so we’ve always had a connection, just never a physical one, even after the uncle passed on, we went into the town that Jim uses every day to get to work and it felt very strange to go through it again for a while. 

He is madness to put it mildly! He is a force of nature and never ever stops talking (apart from when he falls asleep on me at night watching the tv) but would I change him? No as it wouldn’t be him, the man I fell in love with at first sight, the moment he got of the train to come and see me, when he walked towards me I knew, it was like a switch, for so many months I was so lost with my love life, I was heading down some very dangerous paths but yet on that platform I knew this man was the one for me, some people don’t believe in love at first sight but I can honestly say it happens, it does and it happened to us.

Now almost a year and a half later we are still here, we’ve gone through so much together but yet we’ve stayed strong and in just over a years time I will be skipping down the aisle to meet him and saying ‘I do’ (I go insanely silly when I think of the day I get to marry him! I do a little happy dance!), I cannot wait for the day he calls me his wife and I can’t wait for the day I can call him my husband as I know I am going to be the happiest bride that has ever walked this earth (disclaimer: yes I know, I know every woman thinks this but let me have my moment!).

I love you my bearded, geeky/nerdy weirdo, don’t ever change!

Love Miss Geeky, adventures of a red head and V x

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Tattoos

Love them or loathe them they are here to stay, I have 6 of them and each one means something, well kinda, the first one I got when I was 18 years old and in Walthamstow and in the same tattoo parlour that east 17 used to go to, so I decided to get the same one Ronan Keating had at the time, I decided to go for the outside of my right calf and it says ‘warrior’ I know, it’s soooo me! Did I regret it? Nope, do I ever think about it? Nope, I even forget it’s there sometimes.

The next one I got wasn’t thought out and my mother said to me ‘if you come home with your tongue pierced then you won’t have a home’ it might have been my dad, who knows but with the threat of not having a home and they didn’t say anything about another tattoo I thought I’d get one as my friend was having her tongue done (I got mine done many years later when I moved out), I was still 18 and I went for something Chinese again but I have no idea what it says, could say chicken noodles for all I know, it’s small and on the left shoulder so I never think about it.

The third one I got was my children’s initials and it was when the phase of ‘wrist tattoos’ were all over the place, although I waited for mine it was still very much the ‘in’ thing to do, although I am quite proud that I never did the whole ‘trendy’ tattoos at the time, like the Celtic bands, the dolphins etc, getting a tattoo that a famous person had was as ‘out there as I got’ hit I digress, I wanted my children’s initials and I went with an idea but as they weren’t far of closing and I panicked I didn’t really get the one I wanted and it’s the only one I look at with a slight destain for but even then I don’t hate it, I then got on my left arm ‘you are rarer than a shooting star’ my ex husband wrote it in a birthday card and I wanted to have it inked on me so whenever I needed reassurance I had something there to remind me that someone cared, now he is my ex husband I would like it covered up but I was driving the other day and caught sight of it for what felt like the first time in months, you forget they are there after a while and it’s not until you had a tattoo you know what I mean, they just become part of you.

The next one I got me and my ex designed together, it’s my geeky tattoo and I love it, it’s doctor who, Battlestar galactica and superman all in one and I love it and I fully intend to add batman to it one day, again I hardly notice it is there, the same as my wrist and my leg.

The final one I had was the one that I should probably think about removing first, it says George in Chinese (could be Japanese), when I looked it up (wanted his initials) when I got home I was sure it wasn’t right but a trip to comic con and getting my ankle out for some lovely ladies and them going ‘George!!!’ To me, I knew it was right. Does it really bother me I have his name on my body? Not really, it’s not as though I look at my ankle every day and it’s not in English but out of my love for Jim maybe I should get it fixed asap.

I love tattoos, I love the feeling you get when you have one (even the pain) and I love the end result (usually) I have been very lucky I haven’t had a bad one only ones I was completely happy with (which might sound weird as they are permanent but it’s not something I ‘regret’ doing)

My tattoos make me a little individual, although some people argue it doesn’t make you individual my argument is this, no one else has the ones I have designed, the ones I got from a book, yes and even though I didn’t give much thought behind some of them, they each tell a story, like the one on my back, of my parents hadn’t of made a song and dance about me getting my tongue done I might not have got it done over 20 years later (had it in for less than a year, I loved it but wasn’t really ‘me’, I got my nose done first after my marriage ended too, that’s still in and for those wanting to know, the nose hurt more than the tongue), the ‘warrior’ tattoo people laugh at when I tell them a story, they are a talking point and without them, I wouldn’t be me.

Will I regret them when I am 80? Nope because I barely notice they are there and they are part of me and who I am.


Just two of my ones.

Until next time, V x

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Four walls

Imagine being stuck in four walls for the rest of your life, imagine being stuck in a place that felt very alien for the rest of your life, imagine you had no money and couldn’t even get out of those four walls or alien place for the rest of your life, that is me, Monday to Friday.

I’ve wrote befor about my loneliness but today it’s gone up another level, it’s only Monday and how the hell I am going to make it to Friday is another story, Jim had to rush this morning out of the door for his bus, he felt awful leaving me like that and I actually thought maybe it was the best way for him to go in the mornings, the band aid effect leaving, no messing about, just leave but after a while I was stuck with the harsh reality, I’ve had him for two whole days and Friday I was with people all day from the moment I woke up to the moment I fell asleep and now, I’m alone again, everyone goes about their daily business and usual rountine and I go back to mine but mine is worse than a prison sentence, they get to speak to people every day, I don’t.

The thing about my life is this, the more I fall into this trap I have myself in, the simple solution would be a few simple steps: go out get a job and/or just go out. This is simple right? Should be simple to turn the laptop on and search for a job as that will be the thing that snaps me out this and I want it so badly but something is preventing me from picking it up and turning it on and I think I know what it is, despite this room being my evil it’s also my safe place, before we had the house and we lived here before, it was my one constant in my life (well and Jim), it was the one place I could go to and I know it would never tell me to go away, I know Jim would always be at the end of the path with open arms waiting for me and would hold me if I had a shit day or we would pop to the shops and get the same snacks every time but they are the same snacks that make me feel happy and safe. The same for going outside, up until Saturday morning I would pop outside occasionally for a cigarette but now because I can’t afford to smoke I’ve had to stop and now I’m not even popping outside, I could pop to the shops but I haven’t been left any money and that’s probably because every time Jim left me with money I would spend it on cigarettes and as we are on a shoe string until the end of next week I don’t think he feels comfortable leaving me with any amount of money and I can’t blame him.

So my hourly, maybe two hourly dip in and out the house has stopped (why can’t I do that without smoking? Good question maybe it’s the reminder that something I ‘loved’ to do, I can’t now) and now I don’t even see daylight as the curtains are always most certainly drawn until at least four, when I think about getting dressed and making sure that Jim thinks I’ve actually done something today and my aversion to picking up and turning on the laptop is because I’m scared, scared of this town, scared of people saying no, I’ve had a few jobs since I’ve been down here and none of them have lasted: I got a job in a care home and as I was doing this when my marriage broke up, I found it very painful found badk inside a care home again and although that part of my life is over, the feelings came rushing back to me as soon as I stepped foot in the door. Those horrible times where I was not knowing where my life was heading and I was so broken and for that reason, my own mental health I couldn’t stay there, I also started in weatherspoons and while it’s a nice place to eat and drink working there was worse that leg day (I imagine) in the gym, I joined just before Christmas and was left alone a majority of the time and I was knackered the whole time, barely able to stand or walk home, so again I left. I got a job (well two week trial) selling shrink wrap but was awful at it and they didn’t keep me on, which was horrible as I really liked it there, so ever since then I’ve been very scared about finding something else and time is running out. As financially we are ok but it would help for me to work and for my own mental state I need to work and I need to take steps to pull me out of this trap.

Giving up smoking is, in the long run going to help me I know but right now, at this second it doesn’t feel like it, Going out for a smoke got me out of these four walls, I have a vape but I’m scared to use it as I know this is laughable, you don’t actually know what’s in them and I’m scared about the future effects (I know it’s a stupid rationale!) and I don’t want to be someone that swaps one habit for another as it’s meant to be saving us money and I don’t see how it is if I’m still buying stuff to go with it. Jim says if I want a hit of nicotine to have a puff on it but it’s not the same, it’s like buying an imitation Mars bar and it being really shit, I don’t get anything from it and right now I would give my right arm just for a puff of a proper cigarette. I’m doing well. I’ve only had three in the past 48 hours and for me, the past two years I’ve smoked constantly like a chimney.

I need to start a plan of my day and plan it out the night with Jim and have something to work towards instead of being in bed, all day which I have done, I watched Loose Women but went back to sleep afterwards, I did manage to make lunch but we were almost out of bread and I couldn’t go and get anymore so I’m kinda starving but I don’t think Jim even thought about money today as he was rushing, so I’m hungry and I need a cigarette, I have spoken to anyone all day and I need to find the motivation to get dressed as Jim will be home in an hour, he reads this blog obviously but now is the time I will do something so he doesn’t think I am a lazy cow and with motivation I get stuff done, on my own I relapse back into a solitary world and everything sweeps over my head, with something to focus on I’m fine but it’s having the courage to do that when I’m alone as it’s so easy to slump into bed and wish for the world to hurry up and get Jim home at six and then I have a few hours with him before he falls asleep and I am back to square one again or sometimes in my darkest times, I ask not to wake up at all, I feel awful writing that down but it’s true, when you live your life for a few grabbed hours in the evening and then the weekends (which to most people is normal life) but to me it’s everything, it’s everything I live for to have him home or we can be out for the day, when I’m home alone all day I get to a certain point and I sometimes feel I want it to end, Jim has found some wonderful friends and once a week he goes out and spend the evening with them, I don’t mind that as I get an hour with him inbetween and I know he isn’t far away from me if I need him.  Reading that back I’ve become very reliant on Jim and that can’t be healthy? But again, when I have a job I will know more people as at the moment Jim, his friends and his family are the only people I know round here, so I need that motivation to help me get out of this massive rut I have myself in.

Thanks for reading V x

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Accepting who I Am

Body image is such a big topic at the moment and even at my age (37) it’s still a huge part of my life.

Jim said the other night what he likes about himself, his legs and his bum and I can’t disagree with him, his bottom is lovely and his eyes..well there isn’t actually anything I don’t like about him (maybe his stubble when for some reason in his sleep he has the ability to take off half my arm when he forgets my arm is there and buries his head like a dog!) he asked me what do I like about myself and that is a question I ask myself most days the answer is nothing.

I don’t like anything about myself: when I look at myself I see one eye socket bigger than the other, I see a wonky smile with my teeth the way they are, I see a huge bump in my nose, my boobs one is significantly bigger than the other, my arse is far too big (not talking Kim K here!) my thighs and legs are like footballers legs (my dad once said this and I can never forget it) my lips aren’t pouty enough, my eyelashes are long enough, my hair looks awful and my belly is like a bowl full of jelly, my feet are like romans with the toes (I don’t have pretty feet) and everything else that I haven’t mentioned I don’t like either. And personality wise? I am the biggest grump going, I find it hard to relax and get jokes, I don’t find ‘people’ particularly easy to get on with (really have to know them first) and the most important one is I don’t ‘love’ myself (not in a big headed way).

I am a massive geek and I saw this the other night a quote from Tyrion Lannister from game of thrones,’ once you’ve accepted your flaws no one can use them against you’. I am at an age now where no one takes the piss out of me but I can’t take the piss out of myself either, I am not one of these fat girls that could say ‘I can lose weight but you can’t change your face’, I just don’t have it in me.

When I put make up on it looks awful, I can do my eyes but foundation and everything else just looks horrendous, I see women my age with perfect make up but I look at mine and think ‘where do I go wrong’ so now I choose not to wear it (for years I stayed away from it after my aunt said to me about not blending it in with my neck and it stayed with me and I was about 13 at the time and I always have this in the back of my mind).

I have an obsession with the 50’s (one of my friends once said I was born in the wrong era) and I look at the pretty dresses, the hair and I think one day I want to be just like that but years later I am still waiting for that day and I am positive that if I could be the person I am on the inside, wearing he hair, the dress the shoes and people around me that ‘get me’ I would probably learn to love me, myself and I.

Why don’t I change myself?  As always with me it comes down to money, if we have some spare money I will never spend it on myself, I could have quite easily recently but decided to give our kids a good day out instead, so for now the inner 50’s girl is remaining inside and probably will do forever, one day I hope to be able to reply differently to Jim when he asked what I love about myself but at the moment I can’t see it happening any time soon.

I want to embrace the different size eye socket but I can’t, I just see one smaller that the other, I want to love my nose but I can’t, I want to love myself but I don’t know how too, Jim tries everyday and says ‘I can’t believe I got someone so beautiful’ but I look away wondering what he sees, when I look at him my heart melts, he is everything I wanted and more (even the stubble) but he has learnt to accept it when I say how good looking he is and I wish I could do the same, I wish I could say thank you and not cringe inside and think but I’ve got a bumpy nose, my teeth aren’t straight how could he possible find me beautiful, they say it’s in the eye of the beholder don’t they? I look at some women and I see their beauty and understand why people find them attractive but I look at me and think ‘no not today’ and look away from the mirror.

Maybe I need to take steps and try and see my ‘beauty’ even now I don’t even want to think about even being remotely attractive, maybe it stems from my teenage years and unable to get a boyfriend, my dress sense and not being accepted by the ‘beautiful people’ I look at pictures of them as they are now and I think ‘yes you still are’ yet I look at me and think back to the terrible haircuts I had and the unfashionable clothes I wore, maybe I’m still living deep in a past that I need to step out of? Maybe I need to start looking at the mature me, the one who can (well sort of) afford some kind of clothing and chose by myself and not my mother (I once got invited to the most popular girl at schools birthday party and I had a mint green trouser and jumper combo on, not really screaming ‘it crowd’)

The bare facts are this: I am grossly overweight, the clothes I buy reflect this, I don’t wear tents but I don’t really experiment with clothes (like I’ve mentioned I can’t afford the ones I like) so I buy the ones I can afford, a cheap pair of jeggings, a cheap top or clothes given to me (heck I only own two bras and both of them are over two years old), my face reflects my weight and while I don’t think my face, legs or hands are big they must be as I am so overweight. One of my worries is if I lose weight will my face become older? Will my one big one small boobs become smaller? While my waist becomes smaller will everything else become better looking?

I want to love myself, I want to enjoy myself and I want to when Jim says ‘your beautiful’ to be able to say ‘thank you’ and not look away.

Well I’m off now to go and try and find at least one bit of be that I can say ‘yeah I like that’ when I’ve found it, I shall let you know (if).

Much love v x