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Best friends

What do you do when you lose a best friend? Mourn and wonder what the hell you actually did wrong to deserve radio silence for a week.

Last weekend that exactly happened, my ex husband George and I have been ‘best friends’ since we split up, I use the inverted commas because we were once very close then naturally boyfriends and girlfriends come along and then one of you moves and before you know it you are just friends, which was fine I could cope with the odd text message but one thing I didn’t realise I would miss is the ability to send funny photos or tag him in posts I found so funny.

The reason for radio silence from I can gather is that I asked for a bit of time off, not because ‘I’m selfish’ or ‘I don’t love my kids’ the reason is we have a room, a one room that we eat, sleep and relax in, each weekend is taken up by kids, we don’t get that luxury of sleeping in, Jim gets up early on a weekday and even if it is a bank holiday for some reason we always have his kids over so for the past two months we haven’t been able to just lie in bed on a weekend like we used to, I had to return ted’s bike and I asked George if we could do it the Saturday morning, it needed stuff doing to it and it made sense, he agreed (he also agreed some weeks earlier that we could have on Saturday morning off) so we get to Saturday morning, the item was in the car waiting to go and I get a text to ask when we would be arriving, I had told George three times it would be lunch time. This is when the shit hit the fan and now because of this and he had a complete meltdown about something else related to me (but wasn’t my fault!) he hasn’t spoken to me since but apart to apologise to me for the melt down but he blocked me and Jim on Facebook for a while and now it’s been nearly a week and I miss my friend.

When we first split I wanted the whole ‘not talking just talk about the kids’ but he fought hard to get us in the place we were at and I accepted the situation and was happy with our balance, we could still go out for a drink or lunch and still see our collective friends but now nothing and I don’t like that feeling.

I know the reason for this whole thing, his girlfriend for some reason feels threatened by me…by ME! I’m getting married next year and I am completely besotted with Jim and I have no idea why she thinks I still have feelings for him, yeah we were married and yeah it must be kind of hard to still have your ex wife hanging about but Jim doesn’t mind that I still go for a drink with him (or did) but it was good for the kids to see their parents like that but now, it’s literally just drop them off and not have the usual handover and I don’t like it.

But there you go, it’s another thing I must overcome and deal with a changed relationship and how to deal with all this when it comes to the kids because we fought so hard for where we were and I feel sorry for them.
V x

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Teenagers

This is what I deal with every other fucking weekend!!! 
Where have my lovely, polite little men gone?! Nope they have been replaced with smelly, emo, sometimes rude (sometimes funny) teenagers…WHO HAVE JUST GIVEN ME A FUCKING ELECTRIC SHOCK!!!! Fml!!!
I don’t know what other teenagers are like and I would love to know if they are as inappropriate as mine (is it normal to say ‘money shot’ when cleansing their hands with white foam and throwing it all over their brother?…no thought not…. oh my fuck the things that come out of their mouths is awful (least they don’t fucking swear!!! Well not in front of me!!)
I feel sorry for their little brother (the one in the picture, who can’t sit still) they are so fricking mean to him sometimes. 😩
Although they drive me insane, they do make me giggle (even if it feels like I am in a bastard boat right now because they are all pissing about while we wait for Jim…the youngest even said ‘help me Ted, you are my only hope’ because his middle brother Jeff has now joined him in the back of the car, I feel sorry for mini Jim, yes my youngest has the same name as my fiancé…so that’s not fucking confusing is it?!!)
Please save me, anyone….I have a bottle of wine at home…while they cook my Mother’s Day tea I may possibly use a giant straw and finish the lot.


V x

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My ‘special son’

My eldest son and special fit together better than fish and chips, Ant and Dec, the list goes on and yes he has Aspergers but that isn’t what makes him my special son, oh no not on your nelly.

Yesterday afternoon when leaving the park and knowing we had a ticket until 23.59, he asks us if we could possibly come back at midnight and see the stars, at about nine we decided to go even though it was cloudy but we decided to go anyway, for some reason (anyone would think we was going to stay out overnight) as him and his brother decided to bring their pillows and a blanket, so we are in a dark dark car park, in a dark dark park ‘hooilgums everywhere!’ He starts going into full on meltdown but not in a way you expect with autism, this was an epic rant of comedy gold.

‘Why do you have your pillow?’ I asked

‘The stones hurt my back’ came back his reply, the boy is 16 years old going on 81. By this point anyone would think he was on drugs with his nervous twitch he has developed thinking he is ‘going to get bum raped but the hooligums of Harlow’, instead of wanting to go an explore the park in the dark he and his brother would have been quite happy going back to the car but we thought as we were out let’s go and explore. And not go back to our room, even the special sons brother was taking the piss out of him saying it was only nine in the evening. ‘But it’s so dark’ ermmm yes!! It’s the night time now.

Jim had run off being all rocky like up the hill and us four was there all linked arms ‘I don’t think we are in edenbridge anymore’ and then off of a sudden Jim jumps out behind a tree ‘my liver almost exploded!’ Said the ‘special son’, meanwhile I am glad I took a wee before I left home.

We went and ‘explored’ well I say explored, they went and used the out door gym and then we piled back in the car, we stopped off a few more places on the way home and my ‘special son’ went from bad to worse and the things coming out of that boys mouth a mother should never, ever here but he kept me laughing the whole night, well they all did, I’ve decided my special son has no filter and doesn’t know what’s appropriate around his mother, basically looking at the girls going for a night out and how short their skirts were calling them something that rhymes with ‘guts’, I wasn’t impressed with that but he did back it up with how disgusted he was and would never let his daughter go out like that. Meanwhile his brother was saying ‘erm. Be quiet. Keep that thought to yourself’. I absolutely love these boys. 

V x

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Teenagers/Kids

Is it all kids or is it just mine, when they turn teenagers they somehow have to constantly punch each other in the fucking nuts and the insults are on another fucking level!! (Oh but it’s banter!).

Today I lost my shit when after the millionth time of making sure grandchildren were off the cards and my youngest being pushed into a bush, I suddenly lost it and my middle child decided to hover in for a cuddle but even I pushed him away and said ‘that’s not going to work this time boy’, my face went bright red and I could feel my blood pressure rising (doesn’t help I can’t afford to smoke anymore and I’m going cold turkey) and everything came tumbling out of my mouth all at once I felt like my eldest (he talks insanely fast).

I bloody love my boys to death but why can’t they be the kind little boys they once were, everyone used to say how well behaved they were but now I think people run and hide from the pimple, deep voiced giants that are my two teenage kids, I tried taking a photo of them all today (multiple times) and my middle child would smile in between shots then pull the most miserable looking fucktard face he could possibly muster.

Although I was very happy when the eldest said to me ‘I’m so happy you found someone like jim’ I asked in what way ‘that he isn’t a penis’ yes, the way he said it was rude but his heart  was in the right place, he also said he liked coming to us and we take the most simple of things like going to the park and make it fun, I don’t know if he was bull shitting me or not but it felt nice, but before that thing he did go off on an epic rant that he was fed up of me and his dad seeming like we were trying to do a ‘one up’ on each other and said ‘it’s not your business what we get up too when we are with him’.

Now let me explain, their dad and step mum have ‘money’ I say it this way as they have more than us and can afford the nicer things in life, like regular date nights, ours are far and few between, so they can afford to do nicer things with the boys were we pull together things in something smaller than a shoe string and it got to me last time he took them out, I think I’m a bit sensitive at the moment, you could say hormonal but I don’t have ‘them’ at the moment so I can’t blame it on that, so hence why the eldest said what he did about going out with us.

Although they beat each other up and really insult each other, I know they love each other and although the middle one never shows it, I know he loves me (the other two tell me all the time) he always knows the right time to cheer me up.

And despite me morning about them. They aren’t naughty, they do respect people and they do have good hearts but please for the love of god!! I do want some fucking grand kids later in life!!!

Much love V x

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Moving to a new town

Back in July I moved 50 miles from where all my family and friends are, to be with Jim and I have never felt so lonely sometimes in all my life.

When I lived in the tiny village where everyone knew each other I could pop round a friends house or pop to the pub (it didn’t matter when) and someone would be their to talk too or if I didn’t have that I had work or being with my kids, I had a ‘constant’ around me the whole time and no matter how many times in the past I convinced myself I wanted time on my own, I would scream and shout that I wanted a couple of evenings just me, myself and I but what I would give to be able to still see my kids every day, go to work Monday to Friday or simply go to the pub after work and get shitfaced with my bestie, instead now, I am in a room Monday to Friday and I don’t usually talk until Jim comes home (right now I am not even sure I can talk as I haven’s said a word today, even saying goodbye to Jim this morning I think I grunted), I don’t have much housework to do, its a room for godsake and why should I clean up after the rest of the house? (believe me there has been washing up on the window sill since Sunday and I’m struggling to leave it but the boy who made that mess needs to learn he needs to wash up), I don’t have any hobbies and only this week I’ve actually felt comfortable to put the TV on during the day (didn’t even do that in the whole house we had), the only other people I speak to down here is Jim’s family and they, as I have said before are lovely and without them I would have gone mad months ago.

I guess if I was an outgoing person and put myself out there the maybe I wouldn’t feel so lonely but I have no Idea what to do and this is the crunch, most of these things require money to take part and I just don’t have that right now.

I’m trying hard to find a job but I’ll be honest finding one that doesn’t mean working weekends because of the kids is hard but things have changed since we moved, we have kids every weekend and if I am truly honest those weekends that we have Jim’s kids over, I could work as I struggle with his youngest but that’s for another time, plus also finding work here is totally different to finding work in a small village, my last job I just fell into, I am proud that I don’t claim benefit though while I am sat on my arse.

I am hoping that things will change soon, Jim has started to make changes with his friendship circle and it’s time I took steps to sort mine (or lack of) but finding new friends is hard, I knew my ones in Kent well, how and where do you find them these days?

Anyway I am excited now the washing machine has finished which means for 7 minutes I have something to do!

V x

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Moving

Who the fuck thought of moving? put your wanky hand up now?!! oh no, he can’t can he, he isn’t here is he…don’t worry he isn’t dead, he is coming back from Europe, so we have to pack all our stuff up from the turdy loo brush (pahaha!!) to my walking dead frame, fuck knows where that is going!!

My house now you can’t move for fucking boxes, I could quite easily home half of london’s homeless with these babies, somehow I have to squeeze a two bedroom house into a room….a ROOM: that’s the hostel room…no we haven’t made a horror movie room, it houses five kids every other weekend…great two sets of bunk beds and a single bed we’ve got to magically find room for, I mean wanky landlord it’s so easy to give someone to ‘just find’ storage for all this shit…no it’s fucking not! then their is our king size bed, WHERE do we finding the shitting room for that mother fucker is beyond me!! the mattress alone is the weight of about fifteen whales!!, then our table and a million chairs we’ve acquired, yeah we have room for all that in one room..wanky landlord.

I don’t mind moving back to the room it’s the only room that has felt like home for over two years, so its like a safety blanket for me in a way, I just wish I didn’t have all this shit now that I have to find homes for, at the rate I am going giving stuff away on facefuck we will only have a couple of boxes (that’s a joke btw, even giving away all the books, the five thousand mugs we had etc, we’ve still got shit tons to take)

Plus this weekend we have the brady bunch kids coming over, so that’s going to be fun trying to pack with ‘I still want that’ being taken back out…no you can’t take your fucking armbands you haven’t used for about three years (except to wear around the house over your chewie onesie), they can go in the bin, besides the blood isn’t going round that arm..pretty sure they are about two sizes too small.

FML, SML, PMSL, LOL…anything else?!!

Much Love V x