A beautiful light has gone out

My friend becky, my beautiful, funny, weird friend becky has passed away and how my heart hurts.

She used to read this blog with our friend Emma in the cafe we used to work in together and she used to laugh about the things I would write, I never once thought I’d have to or want to write a blog about my friend, my friend who I only worked with for 6 weeks and knew less than a year but in that time, it felt like we had been friends forever.

When I first met becky she popped into the cafe because she was coming back to work after taking a 6 month break, trying her hand at something new but her heart was back at the cafe, she seemed nice enough but the day she came back to work, it was a Tuesday I fucking hated her, within an hour she had pulled everything apart, made me feel like I didn’t know anything and I spent the evening in tears but somehow becky had this amazing knack of just loving everybody and by the Friday, it could even have been the Thursday, we were in the pub, getting smashed and me in awe of her, knowing everyone and everyone loving her, even with her messy hair (and for the record I stuck firm on her touching my saucers!).

Becky was gorgeous, funny, very bright and had this really posh accent that at times shocked me when the world ‘fuck’ came out of it, which was rare but it happened, she had the most amazingly messy hair, she had the worst dress sense I have ever witnessed, if I had dared dress in a sack for work I would have looked like a right knob but not her, she strolls into work hair like she had been dragged through a bush and this thing on that looked like it should have had potatoes in but she pulled it off, I ripped it out of her all day but becky just gave it back, the ripped jeans she wore once was another cracker they had such big holes in them she might as well took them off and walked around naked from the waist down but that was her, you never knew what wonders she would find in a charity shop or would dare to wear but she pulled them all off.

When we went out drinking, she wasn’t a smoker but would always have a couple when the drinks were flowing and she had this most odd way of smoking, she would smoke out the side of her mouth looking like Dot Cotton and it was amusing for us all, everytime!! She was oblivious to it and I’m sure she done it even more to make us laugh.

When it time for me to leave the cafe I had decided I didn’t want any fuss but no, becky had other ideas and in came the fancy dress ideas and I had the best night of my entire life thanks to her, without her encouraging me I wouldn’t have known how loved I was (or another way to look at it, how much people wanted to see the back of me and was making sure it was happening!), we said we would wear 50’s clothes but her dress was a little more mini mouse but by the time we were in the pub she had drew a moustache on her face and we partied the night away and getting up on stage at the end of the night to sing my way, she was there, along with everyone else and I always have that very special memory.

Even though I didn’t live there anymore, I always made a beeline for the cafe, always ready for a becky hug and to hear about her crap crush and we would normally head over the road for a drink, she used to plead with me to try and stay but I couldn’t I had to get back with the boys, which makes tomorrow so heartbreaking as I had plans to do just that, stay and we were meant to be going to the pub, all those times she asked me to stay and I couldn’t but I arranged it so we could (it did also tie in with my sons prom so it worked out well) and now instead of laughing with her, now we are all meeting to give her a minstrel goodbye and I am heartbroken.

I feel bad to feel like this, others knew her for way longer and I can only imagine how they feel, I can’t imagine what her family are going through but if they are anything like becky, there will be plenty of hugs and words of wisdom.

Fly high my friend, my best friend, my heart will never be the same again.

V x


Moving to a new town

Back in July I moved 50 miles from where all my family and friends are, to be with Jim and I have never felt so lonely sometimes in all my life.

When I lived in the tiny village where everyone knew each other I could pop round a friends house or pop to the pub (it didn’t matter when) and someone would be their to talk too or if I didn’t have that I had work or being with my kids, I had a ‘constant’ around me the whole time and no matter how many times in the past I convinced myself I wanted time on my own, I would scream and shout that I wanted a couple of evenings just me, myself and I but what I would give to be able to still see my kids every day, go to work Monday to Friday or simply go to the pub after work and get shitfaced with my bestie, instead now, I am in a room Monday to Friday and I don’t usually talk until Jim comes home (right now I am not even sure I can talk as I haven’s said a word today, even saying goodbye to Jim this morning I think I grunted), I don’t have much housework to do, its a room for godsake and why should I clean up after the rest of the house? (believe me there has been washing up on the window sill since Sunday and I’m struggling to leave it but the boy who made that mess needs to learn he needs to wash up), I don’t have any hobbies and only this week I’ve actually felt comfortable to put the TV on during the day (didn’t even do that in the whole house we had), the only other people I speak to down here is Jim’s family and they, as I have said before are lovely and without them I would have gone mad months ago.

I guess if I was an outgoing person and put myself out there the maybe I wouldn’t feel so lonely but I have no Idea what to do and this is the crunch, most of these things require money to take part and I just don’t have that right now.

I’m trying hard to find a job but I’ll be honest finding one that doesn’t mean working weekends because of the kids is hard but things have changed since we moved, we have kids every weekend and if I am truly honest those weekends that we have Jim’s kids over, I could work as I struggle with his youngest but that’s for another time, plus also finding work here is totally different to finding work in a small village, my last job I just fell into, I am proud that I don’t claim benefit though while I am sat on my arse.

I am hoping that things will change soon, Jim has started to make changes with his friendship circle and it’s time I took steps to sort mine (or lack of) but finding new friends is hard, I knew my ones in Kent well, how and where do you find them these days?

Anyway I am excited now the washing machine has finished which means for 7 minutes I have something to do!

V x