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Feel like the worst step mum ever

I don’t know if I have spoken about my stepsons eating habits or not but basically he won’t eat anything with flavour, won’t take a chance on something new (well he didn’t until recently) and won’t even go near sauces, this isn’t because he has anything wrong with him other than his mum letting him get away with having pretty much a beige diet and his mom hates pretty much anything that involves a nicely cooked vegetable that isn’t cooked to an inch of its life, so the poor boy hasn’t stood a chance up until now and now I’ve come along it’s all changed dinnerwise when he comes here, I’m not a pander type person, of course I don’t give gravy to my youngest or toad in the hole (he will eat sausage and Yorkshire just not when it’s made together, I get that he has autism and it’s a ‘thing’ for him but my eldest who is also autistic hates onion and mushroom yet we still make food with these ingredients, if cut very small he won’t even notice, I’m not a ‘two dinners’ mum, you either eat what is in front of you or go with out basically and my children have never starved with this method, anything they don’t like they just pick it out).

So anyway my step son, Gerald. He is a lovely dear little boy and a year ago their is no way he would eat a chicken korma or anything like this but this past year he has tried that and more, even asking for it the next time he stays, I’m so proud of him but Tuesday I let myself down big time, they came for dinner after school and instead of them having what we were having (pie and chips) and as it was a special day (there mum was at their great nana funeral) I decided to break my ‘two dinner’ rule and make pasta instead, but I didn’t have any pasta sauce so I used tomato ketchup and mixed a few things in it, like some garlic (which he loves) mixed herbs, four chilli (tiny) flakes and some diced up broccoli, I tried it and it tasted amazing. They get their dinner first and start and my stepdaughter Florence mentioned it was spicy but not blow your head off spicy, we tried it and it was again fine, remember this is Gerald’s favourite meal and I gave him a bigger bowl as he loves it, an hour later he is still sat there, complaining it was too spicy (he had an actual slice of garlic bread I made with real garlic and had chunks on top which in my opinion more blow your head off then the pasta yet he ate it), he still wasn’t half way through and we had to get them home as it was nearly seven (in an ideal world their go home for baths etc but that’s just a made up thing in their house) and after he criticised the broccoli (his sister said it was too hard ‘I agree Florence’ he said) I got up and removed his bowl and informed him that it was made entirely out of ketchup we asked if it sauce was that bad and he said ‘no, it was just too spicy’ (think of a really whiney voice and then triple it) again we tried it and it was the mildest thing ever, I wouldn’t mind but he tried korma, he had a very small piece of grilled pepper with cheese recently!

Thing is I got very offended, I honestly thought I’d make them a nice meal and all it got was criticised the whole time and if it was my children they would have been really thankful I made them their favourite, I went downstairs and waited for to take them home, Gerald came to say sorry but he has said sorry before over food and I know in two weeks when they come again it will be a battle (I’ve told Jim he can cook for them now, Florence will eat pretty much anything, well actually no, she asks for these things and doesn’t finish them, I’ve noticed it’s a habit lately it’s like she wants more than Gerald, she also does this thing when she doesn’t want to eat ‘can I go an make some room’ she goes off and comes back and rarely eats anything after, Gerald tried this will me a few times but I said ‘Gerald I have 16 years experience at all the tricks, you go before dinner or after, not during’. When they got to where they live Jim gave me a kiss and Gerald tried too but I said I didn’t want one and I saw the look on his face and I can’t get it out of my head he went indoors and burst into tears apparently and it’s all my fault, if I hadn’t of stick those four tiny flakes in he probably would have ate it, I didn’t need to tell him how the sauce was made and I didn’t need to treat him the way I did and I really wish I could give him a cuddle and know he is ok because it’s killing me thinking he might hate me now.

I know I should be more chilled out but when you go round someone’s house for dinner and he is all ‘I don’t likkkke ittttt’ really is irritating, he doesn’t see the bigger picture that someone has cooked for him and it’s hardly a gourmet meal, he doesn’t see that when they come round we want variety and he should have variety in his life, god knows what he will do when he has a hangover he doesn’t eat eggs and isn’t fond of bacon! 

I feel like we came so far and in that one split second of a stupid thought on my part that’s trust I built up with him and food will have gone. He tried korma and loved it, he’s tried Chinese and liked it, damn we even got him eating BBQ flavoured things the other day!! 

I hope he is ok and I haven’t turned into an evil step mum in his eyes, I only want him to enjoy meal times, enjoy the tastes, the smells and eat a little more healthy.

Until next time V x

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Best friends

What do you do when you lose a best friend? Mourn and wonder what the hell you actually did wrong to deserve radio silence for a week.

Last weekend that exactly happened, my ex husband George and I have been ‘best friends’ since we split up, I use the inverted commas because we were once very close then naturally boyfriends and girlfriends come along and then one of you moves and before you know it you are just friends, which was fine I could cope with the odd text message but one thing I didn’t realise I would miss is the ability to send funny photos or tag him in posts I found so funny.

The reason for radio silence from I can gather is that I asked for a bit of time off, not because ‘I’m selfish’ or ‘I don’t love my kids’ the reason is we have a room, a one room that we eat, sleep and relax in, each weekend is taken up by kids, we don’t get that luxury of sleeping in, Jim gets up early on a weekday and even if it is a bank holiday for some reason we always have his kids over so for the past two months we haven’t been able to just lie in bed on a weekend like we used to, I had to return ted’s bike and I asked George if we could do it the Saturday morning, it needed stuff doing to it and it made sense, he agreed (he also agreed some weeks earlier that we could have on Saturday morning off) so we get to Saturday morning, the item was in the car waiting to go and I get a text to ask when we would be arriving, I had told George three times it would be lunch time. This is when the shit hit the fan and now because of this and he had a complete meltdown about something else related to me (but wasn’t my fault!) he hasn’t spoken to me since but apart to apologise to me for the melt down but he blocked me and Jim on Facebook for a while and now it’s been nearly a week and I miss my friend.

When we first split I wanted the whole ‘not talking just talk about the kids’ but he fought hard to get us in the place we were at and I accepted the situation and was happy with our balance, we could still go out for a drink or lunch and still see our collective friends but now nothing and I don’t like that feeling.

I know the reason for this whole thing, his girlfriend for some reason feels threatened by me…by ME! I’m getting married next year and I am completely besotted with Jim and I have no idea why she thinks I still have feelings for him, yeah we were married and yeah it must be kind of hard to still have your ex wife hanging about but Jim doesn’t mind that I still go for a drink with him (or did) but it was good for the kids to see their parents like that but now, it’s literally just drop them off and not have the usual handover and I don’t like it.

But there you go, it’s another thing I must overcome and deal with a changed relationship and how to deal with all this when it comes to the kids because we fought so hard for where we were and I feel sorry for them.
V x

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Is it any wonder?

I posted last week about my love for Jim but I wasn’t truthfully honest, I love him more than the world is round, all the coffee in Brazil, all the tea in china (and three flowers) but I have this thing where at least once, twice a week I try pushing (shoving sometimes) him away, I don’t mean physically, I mean mentally.

I am one of these women that will think up stupid scenarios in my head and I will think it’s fact or he has to say one thing and I will go right off in one about it and try and create an argument, none of which is his fault, deep down I am trying to push him away because I’m scared of him coming home one day saying ‘we need to talk’ and that will be the end of the puzzle, so I am quite happy to try and ruin what we have because try as I might, I am 99% certain this will happen one day, which is just ridiculous as Jim isn’t that kind of person but then I didn’t think my ex husband would ever do this either but he did. I’m scared of getting to close, investing all myself into another relationship and being ‘too happy’ because my world could come crashing down at any moment and the most stupid part of all this? Jim isn’t going anywhere but if I carry on with this pursuit then he will grow tired off it, when in reality there isn’t anything wrong at present with our relationship.

Jim is what I would call ‘addicted’ to me, he worships the ground I walk on and we are like two peas in a pod and he brings out a side of me that I don’t show very often (if at all) a very loving side, he has taught me to try to love myself and others, he has taught me it’s ok not to be ok, he has taught me that instead of bottling up feelings to talk about them, he encourages me to better myself, be myself and never laughs at me with any idea I have or the way I look. He tells me every day I am beautiful and he loves me, he never leaves me without a kiss goodbye or walks through the door without a kiss hello, he is without doubt one of a kind and I know I have helped him too, he has become a better father because of me, I’ve taught him that it’s ok not to be ok (weird as he taught me that too!) I’ve encouraged him to just be himself and I’ve encouraged him, like he has me to better himself with work.

We compliment each other so much, we are solid, he is my salt to my vinager and I couldn’t imagine a life without him in it so why do I keep on trying to destroy it, he isn’t going anywhere for sure but in my marriage, the last year we were together I was the happiest I had ever been with our life and then it all came to an end, I guess I am still getting over the hurt and the pain and I never want to feel that again, I never want to get a text message saying ‘we need to talk’ and I never want to feel so content again for it to be ripped all away from me. 

So how do I get over this? I have no idea, Jim can tell me until he is blue in the face he isn’t going anywhere but I’m not convinced I will ever truly believe it, I know when I started seeing him I was 100% ready for a relationship, myself and the ex had been split a year but it was a funny year to say the least, my ex husband was a little ‘controlling’ of my love life and my life in general after we split up, we were not together but yet he felt the need to try and control who I saw, how much time I spent away from him etc so I guess when Jim came along I was still in a ‘relationship’ of sorts with my ex husband, it wasn’t healthy at all, it wasn’t until I had been with Jim around the two month mark that I started to put my foot down, my ex husband had a rule that my kids couldn’t meet Jim for four months (apparently he didn’t want a succession of men to meet my kids, I would like to point out they only met one once and that was a two minute trip in the car and it was only two of them) granted my love life was ‘colourful’ before I met Jim and I was ‘expermenting’ (no not like that) with different elements of dating and my sexual self but this didn’t interfere with the kids lives because of my relationship with my ex husband at the early stages of mine and Jim’s new romance I found myself lying where I was going (it was happening well before that, I could never tell him the truth where I was going) because I don’t think deep down my ex (George) wanted me to date anyone, so when I got with Jim and I started saying no, George did find it hard to cope with (now our relationship is friendly and Jim and George get on well).

I can understand George’s behaviour because some of the stories I would tell him about some of the men I was talking too was plain weird and I guess he was worried for me what I might be letting myself in for, even if he didn’t love me anymore he was still looking out for me and didn’t want me in any danger, so I can understand on some parts the way he was with me and he was just worried about the kids with this man he didn’t know and wanted me to make sure it was the real thing before my kids met him (I’d like to point out that I didn’t have such guidelines for George and his new girlfriend last year, she met them within a month and was moved in within four months).

So I guess when I moved down here eight months ago, I had to go through the ‘break up’ again as up until the day I moved I saw George and the kids every day (unless I was with Jim for the weekend over here) and for a month I was living on George’s sofa until I moved out, so even though we had both moved on, I had been with Jim for 8 months and George with his new lady for three months and there was no hint of love or anything between us and the divorce had been started, the way we both conducted ourselves after the initial break up had a lasting effect on me, I wanted sometimes a clean break but our kids can first and I like to think they wasn’t effected to much by the breakup. But it has had a huge effect on me, it wasn’t until about two months before I met Jim that I actually felt ‘over’ George in terms of love, there was no love there anymore, it took me a good ten months to see things clearly from the moment we broke up to the moment I woke up one morning and thought ‘there is no point in loving him anymore, that has gone’, so that element of our relationship had gone but yet other parts of the relationship remained (yes that) and then when Jim came along I stopped that straight away and George found that very hard to cope with and he did treat me like a piece of shit over it for a little while and he couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to do it anymore as it was ‘just sex’ and didn’t mean anything (apparently I taught him that) but to me (after being unfaithful years ago and George is aware of it) being in a relationship, an actual relationship not a one night stand but a relationship with two people, sex means everything and by only those two people and it’s not a mistake I am ever going to make again.

So yes, no wonder my head is all over the place sometimes because of all the above, being the happiest I had been in my marriage in years the year we broke up, being told the marriage was in trouble, not breaking up the usual way and not being able to live a ‘normal single life’ will have a profound effect on anyone and going through everything I did before I moved here, I moved five times in a year and a half, seeing my ex every day and still doing the things I use too like washing etc before I left (only stopped doing it two months before I moved here) is going to have an impact on someone’s life, I think some could call it fucked up and Jim has been so understanding with my life the way it was before I moved and I couldn’t ask for a better man.

It’s only in the past 8 months since I lived here that I have felt I can live the way I want too and I feel ‘free’ and I can cook anything I want, all those little things are making me into a nicer person, a better person and most importantly more loving and I guess anyone going through what I did, it will take a while to get over but I just wish I could stop trying to push Jim away, as without him I may not have been here now, without him I wouldn’t be the person I am today and without him I wouldn’t have anyone to love anymore and I don’t want to throw that away.

V x

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Teenagers/Kids

Is it all kids or is it just mine, when they turn teenagers they somehow have to constantly punch each other in the fucking nuts and the insults are on another fucking level!! (Oh but it’s banter!).

Today I lost my shit when after the millionth time of making sure grandchildren were off the cards and my youngest being pushed into a bush, I suddenly lost it and my middle child decided to hover in for a cuddle but even I pushed him away and said ‘that’s not going to work this time boy’, my face went bright red and I could feel my blood pressure rising (doesn’t help I can’t afford to smoke anymore and I’m going cold turkey) and everything came tumbling out of my mouth all at once I felt like my eldest (he talks insanely fast).

I bloody love my boys to death but why can’t they be the kind little boys they once were, everyone used to say how well behaved they were but now I think people run and hide from the pimple, deep voiced giants that are my two teenage kids, I tried taking a photo of them all today (multiple times) and my middle child would smile in between shots then pull the most miserable looking fucktard face he could possibly muster.

Although I was very happy when the eldest said to me ‘I’m so happy you found someone like jim’ I asked in what way ‘that he isn’t a penis’ yes, the way he said it was rude but his heart  was in the right place, he also said he liked coming to us and we take the most simple of things like going to the park and make it fun, I don’t know if he was bull shitting me or not but it felt nice, but before that thing he did go off on an epic rant that he was fed up of me and his dad seeming like we were trying to do a ‘one up’ on each other and said ‘it’s not your business what we get up too when we are with him’.

Now let me explain, their dad and step mum have ‘money’ I say it this way as they have more than us and can afford the nicer things in life, like regular date nights, ours are far and few between, so they can afford to do nicer things with the boys were we pull together things in something smaller than a shoe string and it got to me last time he took them out, I think I’m a bit sensitive at the moment, you could say hormonal but I don’t have ‘them’ at the moment so I can’t blame it on that, so hence why the eldest said what he did about going out with us.

Although they beat each other up and really insult each other, I know they love each other and although the middle one never shows it, I know he loves me (the other two tell me all the time) he always knows the right time to cheer me up.

And despite me morning about them. They aren’t naughty, they do respect people and they do have good hearts but please for the love of god!! I do want some fucking grand kids later in life!!!

Much love V x

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Moving to a new town

Back in July I moved 50 miles from where all my family and friends are, to be with Jim and I have never felt so lonely sometimes in all my life.

When I lived in the tiny village where everyone knew each other I could pop round a friends house or pop to the pub (it didn’t matter when) and someone would be their to talk too or if I didn’t have that I had work or being with my kids, I had a ‘constant’ around me the whole time and no matter how many times in the past I convinced myself I wanted time on my own, I would scream and shout that I wanted a couple of evenings just me, myself and I but what I would give to be able to still see my kids every day, go to work Monday to Friday or simply go to the pub after work and get shitfaced with my bestie, instead now, I am in a room Monday to Friday and I don’t usually talk until Jim comes home (right now I am not even sure I can talk as I haven’s said a word today, even saying goodbye to Jim this morning I think I grunted), I don’t have much housework to do, its a room for godsake and why should I clean up after the rest of the house? (believe me there has been washing up on the window sill since Sunday and I’m struggling to leave it but the boy who made that mess needs to learn he needs to wash up), I don’t have any hobbies and only this week I’ve actually felt comfortable to put the TV on during the day (didn’t even do that in the whole house we had), the only other people I speak to down here is Jim’s family and they, as I have said before are lovely and without them I would have gone mad months ago.

I guess if I was an outgoing person and put myself out there the maybe I wouldn’t feel so lonely but I have no Idea what to do and this is the crunch, most of these things require money to take part and I just don’t have that right now.

I’m trying hard to find a job but I’ll be honest finding one that doesn’t mean working weekends because of the kids is hard but things have changed since we moved, we have kids every weekend and if I am truly honest those weekends that we have Jim’s kids over, I could work as I struggle with his youngest but that’s for another time, plus also finding work here is totally different to finding work in a small village, my last job I just fell into, I am proud that I don’t claim benefit though while I am sat on my arse.

I am hoping that things will change soon, Jim has started to make changes with his friendship circle and it’s time I took steps to sort mine (or lack of) but finding new friends is hard, I knew my ones in Kent well, how and where do you find them these days?

Anyway I am excited now the washing machine has finished which means for 7 minutes I have something to do!

V x

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Life is precious

This weekend, like 9 weeks ago, reality came crashing down on me like a hurricane, I think my life is shit but it’s nothing compared to what I have witnessed in those short weeks.

Firstly at the start of December last year, we lost Jim’s cousin to suicide, in the most horrible way you could imagine and it’s broken his parents beyond repair, their beautiful son, gone for good and why? why did he feel his life wasn’t worth living? We don’t know the reasons why, we may never know but I know one thing, mental health is a fucker and wish as you might “I wish I saw the signs” etc, hindsight is a wonderful thing but hindsight won’t bring this human being back, it’s something that should never have happened, something we wish we could have prevented but we couldn’t, we didn’t and for that his parents will be in torture for the rest of their lives. This puts my shit life right to the back of the field, like we are talking in the fucking bushes. But one thing we can do from this is we can use the signs he was displaying, the words he was using, the techniques he was using to hide his problems and try and help others, if we can save one life from Richard’s death, we might not have been able to save him but if we can help another family not suffer the same pain we have then he won’t have died for nothing.

I never met Richard and I felt awful on the day of his funeral for crying with Jim, I have never wanted to take someones pain away from them as much as Jim and the rest of his family, how his brother, father and most importantly his mother had the strength to stand up and talk to everyone the way she did was heart wrenching, it was the day before Christmas Eve and usually around that time, the drinks are flowing and everyone is having a great time but that afternoon at the wake, drink was flowing and their was laughter but with so much sadness of what we had witnessed earlier that day. I had never been to a funeral that was standing room only, Richard was so loved, I hope he was looking down seeing everyone that came out for him, to say goodbye to this sweet young man. This family I have found myself, in the short space of time is amazing and so close I have never experienced anything like it, his parents will pull through because their is a fantastic support network around them and they can take away the fact they had 27 wonderful years with Richard, unlike the next thing that has summed up my life this past weekend….

In the past month campaign has been running in my hometown, to try and raise £250000 to save a little girl, whose only treatment was available in America, a whole community came together and raised well past what they needed, with more fundraisers organised but sadly, she passed away early Saturday morning, she was just two years old, she had diagnosis at just 16 months old with stage 4 neuroblastoma, ever since then little Flo had fought hard but sadly she just couldn’t do it anymore and her little body could take no more, again like Richard she is out of pain and hopefully dancing in the stars, Richard if you read this can you please look after Flo for when her parents can join her again? I know it’s a silly thing to ask on a blog that a dead person is never going to read but isn’t it a nice thought that these two troubled, pain free souls meeting and him looking after her, or taking her to where she needs to be? it makes me feel better thinking this.

So yeah, my shit life is nothing compared to these two families fighting pain every single fucking day, fuck mental health and fuck cancer.

Fly high the pair of you xx

If you need help or think someone needs help: http://www.mind.org.uk

To donate to Flo fight: https://www.facebook.com/Flosfight