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Best friends

What do you do when you lose a best friend? Mourn and wonder what the hell you actually did wrong to deserve radio silence for a week.

Last weekend that exactly happened, my ex husband George and I have been ‘best friends’ since we split up, I use the inverted commas because we were once very close then naturally boyfriends and girlfriends come along and then one of you moves and before you know it you are just friends, which was fine I could cope with the odd text message but one thing I didn’t realise I would miss is the ability to send funny photos or tag him in posts I found so funny.

The reason for radio silence from I can gather is that I asked for a bit of time off, not because ‘I’m selfish’ or ‘I don’t love my kids’ the reason is we have a room, a one room that we eat, sleep and relax in, each weekend is taken up by kids, we don’t get that luxury of sleeping in, Jim gets up early on a weekday and even if it is a bank holiday for some reason we always have his kids over so for the past two months we haven’t been able to just lie in bed on a weekend like we used to, I had to return ted’s bike and I asked George if we could do it the Saturday morning, it needed stuff doing to it and it made sense, he agreed (he also agreed some weeks earlier that we could have on Saturday morning off) so we get to Saturday morning, the item was in the car waiting to go and I get a text to ask when we would be arriving, I had told George three times it would be lunch time. This is when the shit hit the fan and now because of this and he had a complete meltdown about something else related to me (but wasn’t my fault!) he hasn’t spoken to me since but apart to apologise to me for the melt down but he blocked me and Jim on Facebook for a while and now it’s been nearly a week and I miss my friend.

When we first split I wanted the whole ‘not talking just talk about the kids’ but he fought hard to get us in the place we were at and I accepted the situation and was happy with our balance, we could still go out for a drink or lunch and still see our collective friends but now nothing and I don’t like that feeling.

I know the reason for this whole thing, his girlfriend for some reason feels threatened by me…by ME! I’m getting married next year and I am completely besotted with Jim and I have no idea why she thinks I still have feelings for him, yeah we were married and yeah it must be kind of hard to still have your ex wife hanging about but Jim doesn’t mind that I still go for a drink with him (or did) but it was good for the kids to see their parents like that but now, it’s literally just drop them off and not have the usual handover and I don’t like it.

But there you go, it’s another thing I must overcome and deal with a changed relationship and how to deal with all this when it comes to the kids because we fought so hard for where we were and I feel sorry for them.
V x

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Having a purpose 

For the past four weeks I have been happy, I have felt needed but most of all I feel like I have a purpose in life once more.

Gone are the days I lay in bed, day after day, wishing for the day to be over and now on its place I have a sense of hope and self worth, I have a job.

I have a wonderful ‘little’ job, I have a job that isn’t like working at all and each day I wake up in this ‘new town’ making a life for MY self and making MY mark here, not just Jim’s other half but me, Vera making other people’s lives happier as well as my own.

I have a job as an activities coordinator in a care home and I have had lots of jobs over the years but never one so quite rewarding as this one, I’ve done care work before and I always felt settled in that role (for various reason I can’t do it now, it’s too emotional for me) but this job, I get to ‘play’ most of the day and I love it, I get to organise too which is something I relish in. I work along side another lady and between us we are a bit scatty but together we work well!!

I love seeing the elderly peoples faces when a singer comes in and sings just to them, I love being able to just sit and talk about the old days but you know what I love the most? Seeing someone in the supermarket that I know that Jim doesn’t! It’s a weird feeling!

I get to talk to grown ups every day, people that don’t know me and my messed up life before moving here and it’s nice to be just Vera, just me with nothing attached apart from a clean slate.

Finally for the first time in over two years I feel like I’m needed again, I don’t mind having to stay on for an hour extra or having to work my day off, I don’t mind doing any of those things because I finally have a smile on my face, one I achieved all of my own.

I come home each day, Normally via the supermarket and get myself a pastry, put the kettle on and put my key in the door to our room, it’s just a room but it’s my home, our home and it feels great to finally feel like somewhere is properly home and that for the first time in I don’t know when I can help towards bills and food.

It’s an amazing feeling.

Much love V x

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Despair and love

Autism, its autism awareness month still and yes, I am an autism mummy, I’ve been one for years but this weekend it’s been an absolute fucking nightmare living with an autistic child and this will probably be totally the wrong post considering my last one was embracing my autistic children (I have two) I must share with you the real truth about living with a child On the spectrum, try as I might to remember the ‘welcome to holland’ poem, the sheer reality is this: holland is a living nightmare sometimes and when I’ve had a weekend like this, I really wish just for a small nano second that the plane didn’t got to holland but my chosen destination of Italy.

You see mini Jim stayed with us for a week and it was relatively ok, well actually it wasn’t, it was a tiny bit horrible, watching what we wanted on tv was a no no, big Jim and I wasn’t allowed to be alone for longer than two seconds and I really wish I could change what we were having for dinner at the last moment without world war three almost erupting.

Of course I wouldn’t change my little boy I really wouldn’t but it’s times like this when I am stood in a car park in streams of tears and despair that I think ‘thank fuck I don’t deal with this everyday’, which of course sounds very selfish of me but his father has always been much better at dealing with him than me (I have mentioned I don’t have that ‘mummy gene’) he also has the freedom to send him to another room when he gets to much, we don’t have that luxury unfortunately and it’s became clear that we need to move faster on the moving front if mini Jim is going to carry on the way he did this weekend.

For the best part of two years he has calmed down and considering when he was in his last year of primary his whole world collapsed when mine collapsed too, he coped remarkably well, he had a few moments that he reverted back to old Jim (like the day I moved out and I prepared the teachers for that day but did any of them speak to each other..like fuck they did so when I went to pick him up from school we got called over to say he had really misbehaved..no shit Sherlock!!!) but on the whole he improved at school both with his learning socially and emotionally too. Then last year I moved away with in two weeks a new lady moved into their family home and a few short weeks later he went to big school and since then his behaviour had been slowly declining again, all the coping skills he learnt seemed to vanish over night, his step mum has found it hard with his behaviour but his dad handles it well, I on the other hand feel like I am stuck in holland with no fucking clue what to do, every tactic I learnt over the years and nothing seems to work and it doesn’t help that he is older now and follows what and how his older brothers act.

Everything is ‘his way or no way’ from where we go to how long we stay, he had always been the same but I guess when he behaved like this before it was me and my ex husband and we would bounce off each other in terms of one is getting upset the other will take over and as much as I love big Jim we haven’t got that dynamic and I always have it in the back of my mind, little Jim and his problems are for me to sort out and Big Jim didn’t sign up for an exhausting weekend of not being to do as he pleases or if he does the end result is a major meltdown, so I always have that in my head and although Big Jim wants to help I won’t let him because he fell in love with me and then my kids but he didn’t fall in love with the crazy person that erupts every five minutes because we’ve changed our minds, we can’t do something or simply because we don’t have a plan in the first place.

I love those parents that can cope, that can deal with having to live their life by a plan and times but I can’t live like that and I absolutely hate that term ‘they have to learn’ but in some respects they do have to try and cope with the unexpected, especially now my kids are older, when they are younger you can live your life to a certain degree of planning and rountine but as they get older they have to start adapting (my children only have mild autism by the way, when I say this stuff I am not aiming it as children or adults with ASD that simply can’t function without help etc) to life, because sooner or later exams are going to happen, work is going to happen so to some degree they do have to start ‘learning’ but by that I mean us setting them up and trying to teach them skills to cope with living in the big wide world, skills that I obviously don’t have.

Take this weekend for instance, come Saturday it was the longest I had actually spent 24/7 with my son for months, actually thinking about it, last summer, he came to stay when we were in the house but this was together ALL the time, well it wasn’t all the time, I had to go to work for a few hours each day but when I got home it was relentless, on our own we would settle down to watch mike and molly when I got in and we would wait for Big Jim to get home and that’s when it would all change, I guess because I was happy to do what he wanted and have been used to just doing what he wanted but put someone else in the frame and it all changes. Saturday was particularly bad though. We did an event for charity and he was ok-ish there, apart from wanting to know when we were leaving and could he eat his way through the pile of sandwiches that was ok but on the way home it was bad, I had to stop because I couldn’t hold it in any longer and I couldn’t cope and just started crying, usually at this point George would take over and things would be fine but Big Jim doesn’t really know how to handle a child like this as has never had dealings with anyone on the spectrum, he tried to calm things down but nothing we did worked. And the laughing at us just made it a hundred times worse.

Yesterday he wasn’t so bad but after that long I was thankfully I could hand him back to his dad, we had cuddles when I left and I know he is looking forward to next time he comes and we have baby daddy to watch (that’s his unhealthy obsession!) and I am looking forward cuddles with my baby but for now I am enjoying the peace and quiet!
Much love V x