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Autism awareness month 

April means autism awareness month and 2nd April is autism awareness day and it’s not something that was ever part of my life, not until around five years ago when my youngest sons teacher mentioned to us it might be worth taking him to the doctors as there was a few things that were ‘red flags’ for her. She was a lovely teacher and I will forever be grateful to her, we were lucky she was his teacher at the time. She was the schools senco at the time.

My brother and sister both have learning difficulties and growing up in a house with two elder siblings with more needs than me wasn’t something I ever thought was odd because I just grew up with it so to me it was normal that my brother and sister couldn’t read or write, obviously I knew it wasn’t ‘normal’ but to me it didn’t bother me and it was just my brother and sister.

So when this teacher said to us about going to the doctors it was a little bit like ‘oh there is a reason he is like he is’ and also ‘there isn’t anything wrong with my child’. We knew that little Jim wasn’t like his middle brother, we knew Ted wasn’t like Jeff, we both knew they were quirky but they were our sons and that was ‘normal’ to us, no it’s not normal that one of your sons sniffs people and has a mild form of Tourette’s syndrome (not to the degree of swearing but noises) and no it’s not normal that your child wants to know what we are doing every second and goes into a meltdown but your know, it’s him and we coped and wasn’t looking for a reason why my two boys were ridiculously loving but odd (you know what I mean!).

So we took little Jim to the doctors but one thing with the diagnosis route is that some kids with mild autism have this knack for acting ‘normal’ for brief periods when they think they need too and then you are back to square one. So it’s an ongoing  process with little Jim, almost five years down the line for him but even though he isn’t ‘official’ we now are able to use different coping methods with him, we don’t let him ‘get away’ with things but when he has gone into a full on meltdown because we’ve gone the wrong way or we’ve said we will do something and can’t, we now know how to cope with it and have put measures in place to make him life easier (the ear defenders were a god send for the shops!).

It was until little Jim was going through it all that we began answering questions and instead of saying Jim we would say ‘that’s Ted though’ and he was very lucky that he was in secondary school and reached a point in his life we didn’t have the same doctor as little Jim and wasn’t a different diagnosis process and it took about two years (which isn’t actually that long) but we got a diagnosis for him and without it, he wouldn’t be having extra help with his GCSE’s now and he had a greater help at school.

It doesn’t effect Ted at all, when he went to secondary school myself and his father were very worried that he wouldn’t cope, he wouldn’t have any friends and his life would be very solitary (even at that point we hadn’t even thought of getting his tested but he was a very ‘on his own child’) but he is predicted A’s (or those new fandangled ones) on his exams this year, he has got a place on a media course for college and most of all his has some amazing friends (they are all very odd, just like him but they are a great mismatch of boys) so he has done amazing, wonderful things, he has been abroad on his own with his club he was in, he has been to London on a theatre trip for a few days and have done something no one ever thought he would ever do, every year since he started at secondary he got up on stage and took part in all the school musicals every year for the last four years, he didn’t this year though due to his exams but he was wonderful and grew from a hunched over little boy into a confident young man and I am very very proud of him, he hasn’t let his diagnosis stop him, in fact I think it spurned him on more.

As for little Jim, it’s an on going battle and because of the changes in my life he has found change hard but he is coping and he has bouts but on the whole he is coping but is far behind at school with his reading and writing and still with his social circle suffers but Ted did the unthinkable there is no reason Little Jim will either.

I read a poem when this all started called ‘welcome to holland’ and really does sum up how we felt back then: 

Much love V xx

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Teenagers

This is what I deal with every other fucking weekend!!! 
Where have my lovely, polite little men gone?! Nope they have been replaced with smelly, emo, sometimes rude (sometimes funny) teenagers…WHO HAVE JUST GIVEN ME A FUCKING ELECTRIC SHOCK!!!! Fml!!!
I don’t know what other teenagers are like and I would love to know if they are as inappropriate as mine (is it normal to say ‘money shot’ when cleansing their hands with white foam and throwing it all over their brother?…no thought not…. oh my fuck the things that come out of their mouths is awful (least they don’t fucking swear!!! Well not in front of me!!)
I feel sorry for their little brother (the one in the picture, who can’t sit still) they are so fricking mean to him sometimes. 😩
Although they drive me insane, they do make me giggle (even if it feels like I am in a bastard boat right now because they are all pissing about while we wait for Jim…the youngest even said ‘help me Ted, you are my only hope’ because his middle brother Jeff has now joined him in the back of the car, I feel sorry for mini Jim, yes my youngest has the same name as my fiancé…so that’s not fucking confusing is it?!!)
Please save me, anyone….I have a bottle of wine at home…while they cook my Mother’s Day tea I may possibly use a giant straw and finish the lot.


V x

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Keep calm and carry on

Today in London, in the UK we witness some horrifying images, know one knows at this stage who carried it out or most importantly why.

We’ve seen attacks all around the world in the past few years and we’ve been thankful as a country that we seemed to have gone without incident and I have no idea if we have been close and our brilliant emergency services have stopped anything before it happens or if we have just been ‘very lucky’.

Today, that stopped when a man for reasons unknown to us at this stage decided to harm innocent people, at this stage four people has died (one being the assailant) and today we stand together and unite, every time there is an attack on foreign soil we still stand together but tonight we are arm in arm, realising that we aren’t safe and we must protect ourselves.

I read a blog tonight about telling your kids bad stuff and more often that not parents decide to shield their kids from such things but we must not shield them from this, on the one hand you don’t want the little people to get scared and worry but on the other hand they need to know their are dangers out there and life isn’t all unicorns and children’s tv, of course don’t show them the images or watch the news 24/7 but sit them down and tell them in a way they will understand. Those kids are our future and the ones that will protect us when we are old. 

I saw a quote tonight:

Which is so true, don’t look at the bad stuff with your kids, look at the people that forget what is happening around them and ‘keep calm and carry on’, help those around them that need help. Those are the things the kids need to know that in times of trouble you don’t run away, you get down on your knees and help people in need, those people helping today are, in my book real heroes.

So tonight we pray, we pray from the officer that lost his life in the line of duty, we pray for the innocent people going about their day and got caught up in this terrible attack and most importantly we pray for a safer world.

V x

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Is it any wonder?

I posted last week about my love for Jim but I wasn’t truthfully honest, I love him more than the world is round, all the coffee in Brazil, all the tea in china (and three flowers) but I have this thing where at least once, twice a week I try pushing (shoving sometimes) him away, I don’t mean physically, I mean mentally.

I am one of these women that will think up stupid scenarios in my head and I will think it’s fact or he has to say one thing and I will go right off in one about it and try and create an argument, none of which is his fault, deep down I am trying to push him away because I’m scared of him coming home one day saying ‘we need to talk’ and that will be the end of the puzzle, so I am quite happy to try and ruin what we have because try as I might, I am 99% certain this will happen one day, which is just ridiculous as Jim isn’t that kind of person but then I didn’t think my ex husband would ever do this either but he did. I’m scared of getting to close, investing all myself into another relationship and being ‘too happy’ because my world could come crashing down at any moment and the most stupid part of all this? Jim isn’t going anywhere but if I carry on with this pursuit then he will grow tired off it, when in reality there isn’t anything wrong at present with our relationship.

Jim is what I would call ‘addicted’ to me, he worships the ground I walk on and we are like two peas in a pod and he brings out a side of me that I don’t show very often (if at all) a very loving side, he has taught me to try to love myself and others, he has taught me it’s ok not to be ok, he has taught me that instead of bottling up feelings to talk about them, he encourages me to better myself, be myself and never laughs at me with any idea I have or the way I look. He tells me every day I am beautiful and he loves me, he never leaves me without a kiss goodbye or walks through the door without a kiss hello, he is without doubt one of a kind and I know I have helped him too, he has become a better father because of me, I’ve taught him that it’s ok not to be ok (weird as he taught me that too!) I’ve encouraged him to just be himself and I’ve encouraged him, like he has me to better himself with work.

We compliment each other so much, we are solid, he is my salt to my vinager and I couldn’t imagine a life without him in it so why do I keep on trying to destroy it, he isn’t going anywhere for sure but in my marriage, the last year we were together I was the happiest I had ever been with our life and then it all came to an end, I guess I am still getting over the hurt and the pain and I never want to feel that again, I never want to get a text message saying ‘we need to talk’ and I never want to feel so content again for it to be ripped all away from me. 

So how do I get over this? I have no idea, Jim can tell me until he is blue in the face he isn’t going anywhere but I’m not convinced I will ever truly believe it, I know when I started seeing him I was 100% ready for a relationship, myself and the ex had been split a year but it was a funny year to say the least, my ex husband was a little ‘controlling’ of my love life and my life in general after we split up, we were not together but yet he felt the need to try and control who I saw, how much time I spent away from him etc so I guess when Jim came along I was still in a ‘relationship’ of sorts with my ex husband, it wasn’t healthy at all, it wasn’t until I had been with Jim around the two month mark that I started to put my foot down, my ex husband had a rule that my kids couldn’t meet Jim for four months (apparently he didn’t want a succession of men to meet my kids, I would like to point out they only met one once and that was a two minute trip in the car and it was only two of them) granted my love life was ‘colourful’ before I met Jim and I was ‘expermenting’ (no not like that) with different elements of dating and my sexual self but this didn’t interfere with the kids lives because of my relationship with my ex husband at the early stages of mine and Jim’s new romance I found myself lying where I was going (it was happening well before that, I could never tell him the truth where I was going) because I don’t think deep down my ex (George) wanted me to date anyone, so when I got with Jim and I started saying no, George did find it hard to cope with (now our relationship is friendly and Jim and George get on well).

I can understand George’s behaviour because some of the stories I would tell him about some of the men I was talking too was plain weird and I guess he was worried for me what I might be letting myself in for, even if he didn’t love me anymore he was still looking out for me and didn’t want me in any danger, so I can understand on some parts the way he was with me and he was just worried about the kids with this man he didn’t know and wanted me to make sure it was the real thing before my kids met him (I’d like to point out that I didn’t have such guidelines for George and his new girlfriend last year, she met them within a month and was moved in within four months).

So I guess when I moved down here eight months ago, I had to go through the ‘break up’ again as up until the day I moved I saw George and the kids every day (unless I was with Jim for the weekend over here) and for a month I was living on George’s sofa until I moved out, so even though we had both moved on, I had been with Jim for 8 months and George with his new lady for three months and there was no hint of love or anything between us and the divorce had been started, the way we both conducted ourselves after the initial break up had a lasting effect on me, I wanted sometimes a clean break but our kids can first and I like to think they wasn’t effected to much by the breakup. But it has had a huge effect on me, it wasn’t until about two months before I met Jim that I actually felt ‘over’ George in terms of love, there was no love there anymore, it took me a good ten months to see things clearly from the moment we broke up to the moment I woke up one morning and thought ‘there is no point in loving him anymore, that has gone’, so that element of our relationship had gone but yet other parts of the relationship remained (yes that) and then when Jim came along I stopped that straight away and George found that very hard to cope with and he did treat me like a piece of shit over it for a little while and he couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to do it anymore as it was ‘just sex’ and didn’t mean anything (apparently I taught him that) but to me (after being unfaithful years ago and George is aware of it) being in a relationship, an actual relationship not a one night stand but a relationship with two people, sex means everything and by only those two people and it’s not a mistake I am ever going to make again.

So yes, no wonder my head is all over the place sometimes because of all the above, being the happiest I had been in my marriage in years the year we broke up, being told the marriage was in trouble, not breaking up the usual way and not being able to live a ‘normal single life’ will have a profound effect on anyone and going through everything I did before I moved here, I moved five times in a year and a half, seeing my ex every day and still doing the things I use too like washing etc before I left (only stopped doing it two months before I moved here) is going to have an impact on someone’s life, I think some could call it fucked up and Jim has been so understanding with my life the way it was before I moved and I couldn’t ask for a better man.

It’s only in the past 8 months since I lived here that I have felt I can live the way I want too and I feel ‘free’ and I can cook anything I want, all those little things are making me into a nicer person, a better person and most importantly more loving and I guess anyone going through what I did, it will take a while to get over but I just wish I could stop trying to push Jim away, as without him I may not have been here now, without him I wouldn’t be the person I am today and without him I wouldn’t have anyone to love anymore and I don’t want to throw that away.

V x

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International day of happiness

Bollocks. I’ve spent all day in bed, upset at a dream I had that Jim asked me to leave, it upset me THAT much I didn’t talk to him for hours, which is just fucking stupid as it was a bastard DREAM!! So international day of happiness can bite me in the ass and fuck off!

Although since he has been home we have giggled ridiculously, tickled and I’ve had butterfly kisses (it’s a real thing apparently the urban dictionary says so!!) so my actual day could do one but the evening has been so much better with my boo home and reassuring me that he isn’t going anywhere (thank fuck for that as I don’t fancy sleeping in my car…it wasn’t comfy from my dream!)

But I’ve just seen the lovely ferne cotton has posted what makes her happy so thought I’d do the same:

Eating cheap chocolate in bed (Lidl has amazing cheap chocolate!)

Seeing the sea and getting chips, covered in salt and vinager 

Warm evenings with my boo or friends, pub garden especially 

Hot showers 

My kids and when they make me laugh like a goon

Seeing my kids for the first time in 10 days 

Cuddles from my kids 

Cuddles from my middle child when he thinks I am (or knows I am upset)

When my step son tries food

When my step daughter puts her make up on and does a monobrow with her eye pencil 

Watching a really good tv programme

Reading a really good book, so much you get lost in it and are upset when it ends

When my car passes its MOT

When I have some spare money to treat the kids 

Food in general (you don’t get my magnificent figure by eating a fucking salad now do you)

Doing an event for the charity I am involved with and seeing the kiddies faces with the characters 

Karaoke (haven’t done it in 8 months, this needs rectifying!)

A really good selfie

When my hair and make up are on point

When I can walk in high heels (yeah I look like a newborn calf)

The smell after it’s been really hot and it’s rained 

A tidy kitchen and bathroom 

Cleaning something really minging and seeing it sparkle 

Finishing a level on panda pop

And lastly my boo.
What makes you happy?

V x

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Do you ever?

Do you ever look at your other half and just feel all funny inside and say ‘that’s my man/girl?’ And wonder how an earth you got someone like them?

I do most days, I look at Jim (more so since the stress of having a house and being ‘as one’ again) and I see his smile and I do honestly say to myself, ‘he is so fucking gorgeous, how the fuck did I end up with someone like him?’ I look at him, warm feeling in my belly and my heart does a funny little skip and I honestly feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

When he looks at me, with his big brown eyes and that handsome smile I feel like a teenager again, when he wraps his arms round me when I attempt to fall sleep after him, many hours after he passed out and brings me closer to him, he isn’t actually awake but it’s instinct to just make me feel safe makes me smile and feel all warm inside, knowing his eyes are closed and he has been asleep for hours but when he does that I feel at peace and loved it’s a wonderful, sometimes magical feeling.

This man I didn’t know two years ago, loves me with all of his being, every inch of me (even the fat wobbly bits) worships me (that’s not me big headed btw!), I know I consume every thought of every moment of his day, it’s crazy to think that up until November 2015 we didn’t know each other and now I can’t imagine my life without him, this man has changed the way I feel about love, how I act with love and saved me in so many ways no one will ever truly know.

We always say we are like two puzzle pieces that were lost but found each other, for nearly all our lives we have been so close but never touched, I used to spend lots of time in Southend as a child and he used to spend every other weekend there with his dad, my ex husbands uncle lived in the next town over which is crazy to think that in all the towns all over this country, it was that one, I even came into Harlow once to see the uncle in hospital and to think I was in the same town that I now live over ten years ago is a weird feeling considering the distance, I have family that live in Southend and I found out recently I am actually more of an Essex girl that my own fiancé (my nan was born in Romford. Both sets of his grandparents were born either in south London or up north), so we’ve always had a connection, just never a physical one, even after the uncle passed on, we went into the town that Jim uses every day to get to work and it felt very strange to go through it again for a while. 

He is madness to put it mildly! He is a force of nature and never ever stops talking (apart from when he falls asleep on me at night watching the tv) but would I change him? No as it wouldn’t be him, the man I fell in love with at first sight, the moment he got of the train to come and see me, when he walked towards me I knew, it was like a switch, for so many months I was so lost with my love life, I was heading down some very dangerous paths but yet on that platform I knew this man was the one for me, some people don’t believe in love at first sight but I can honestly say it happens, it does and it happened to us.

Now almost a year and a half later we are still here, we’ve gone through so much together but yet we’ve stayed strong and in just over a years time I will be skipping down the aisle to meet him and saying ‘I do’ (I go insanely silly when I think of the day I get to marry him! I do a little happy dance!), I cannot wait for the day he calls me his wife and I can’t wait for the day I can call him my husband as I know I am going to be the happiest bride that has ever walked this earth (disclaimer: yes I know, I know every woman thinks this but let me have my moment!).

I love you my bearded, geeky/nerdy weirdo, don’t ever change!

Love Miss Geeky, adventures of a red head and V x

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Kids and shoelaces 

This is eastiest of everyday bastard tasks right? Pop your shoes on and do them and off you go? 

Unfortunately for the youngest of our brood (my step son) he has struggled with this for some time, he is eight and a half, like his shitting food issues not a major life threatening thing but it’s something that is holding him back (and us!) because he is year three and if we don’t help him now he will get to year four, then five etc and still be asking us to do it for him, even when he goes to secondary school, he will be asking his poor suffering teacher to do his laces, he won’t even fucking ask, he will just sit there with that smug look on his chops that he ‘thinks’ we will do it for him, he is that kind of child, he would rather everyone do everything for him, if we didn’t do most things I am not 100% sure he would even get dressed in the morning, not as though we dress him (well we have been known to because he is like the dog in up….squirrel! So it’s just quicker than losing the will to live quite frankly)

We’ve watched all the fucking you tube videos, other people have tried helping him, we’ve done it all and he cracked the first bit the ‘knot’ bit, then the bunny ears (it’s his way of doing it) but struggled to do the next bit, which can be bloody fiddly but this morning, after about an hours practice the little munchkin managed it and he was so fucking proud of himself!!

He is such a lovely little boy, heart of gold but because of everything in his young life, he has been held back a little bit but we are getting their slowly but surely, he’s so chuffed with each little victory and his smile on his little face makes all the ‘ahhhhh’ times worth it.

V x